Please leave me stranded. It's so romantic.

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(Bet you never thought a writing blog would have so many T Swift references. And yet…)

In the immortal words of our girl Tay, we’re all bored. We’re all so tired of everything. How else to sum up the post-grad funk? Since I finished school in January, things been fine. Good, even! I’ve been working like crazy and taking on new responsibilities at both jobs. I bought a new car. Some exciting and promising writing things have been happening. I’ve been actually having genuine fun. This is good. I’m aware. I may not have time to be bored, but I am so. tired. of. everything.

And you know that place when you realize everybody wants something from you and the fear of disappointing everyone paralyzes you into not getting anything accomplished? Lately, I’ve been disappointing a lot of people. It has been really weighing me down. But you know what? That is super unfair. Not only does that keep me from getting things done that are important to me, it also has really affected my attitude toward people. Without getting too much into it, I am realizing that when you let people get used to you going wildly out of your way for them, you aren’t doing anyone a favor. They get let down and you start to resent them for putting you in a situation in which they are let down. This is about nobody in particular because it’s only a problem when it’s everyone. The result is that any free time I find gets spent doing something because someone else wants me to do it. The results are not good. You know, where the text messages pile up and you have actual anxiety when you have to think about responding to them. The thing is that when you don’t see the people you love as much as you want to, you fight. Simple as that. Lately, I’ve worked on getting all those situations handled because I want a good leg to stand on before the following declaration.

So, here’s the thing: I’m going on hiatus. Allow me to justify my selfish request. This is happening for a few reasons.

  1. You know how everyone forgets that I live pretty far away from everything I do? Yeah. I live even farther now. A surprise 2-month visit from my grandparents has me living the gypsy life for the summer. As of right now, I am staying with my sister in Huntington Beach until I leave for Juniper at the end of the month. After Juniper, who knows. I ain’t tripping yet. We are currently sitting together on the couch watching Sex and the City, drinking Honeybush tea, and blogging. I can already breathe a little better.
  2. I have two weeks off from my job in the writing center, which I desperately needed. Two weeks of NOT looking at a single thesis statement or value claim about how “technology can affect society in a variety of ways.” I need to take a break to remember that I love my job. I need to turn that look at writing toward myself.
  3. I also don’t think people realize that I have had a sinus infection for 4 1/2 months. Do you know what that feels like? Do you know how hard that makes it to be nice to people?!
  4. And, most importantly, I have a real actual deadline on the horizon. I leave for Juniper in almost exactly a month. Bare minimum, I need one story ready to workshop. Ideally, I’ll have a few ready so I can schedule a manuscript review and talk seriously with an author about my writing sample for grad school. THESE ARE BIG THINGS THAT ACTUALLY MATTER.

Consider this my formal memo announcing that I will not be responding to requests of any kind for the near future. I am kindly  asking all the loving people in my life to calm tf down and understand that I’m fine, really, and you aren’t allowed to be mad because this is my grind time, okay? We have the rest of our lives to complain about how we never get to spend time together. I promise I will make sure important people know I am alive. I will still be around here and there on terms that allow me to actually take my life seriously. Please please please do not invite me places. Please understand when you ignore that request and invite me anyway and I say no. This is the sign on my metaphorical door that says “Am writing. Please go away. I love you.” See you at graduation.

xx, Tab

 

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