“Sit. Feast on your life.” –Derek Walcott
I always come back to this poem in my mind. I found it in the beginning of my favorite book, The Time Traveler’s Wife, by Audrey Niffeneger. And, you know, since I am currently finding myself unable to do all the writing that needs to be done, instead I’m feasting on this bright and beautiful year in which so much bad and scary has happened to the world and so much good and happy has happened to me. It’s a lot of feels.
I looked back and laughed at these glimpses of while I was working so much and accomplishing very little of what I really wanted for myself. It was easier for me to go days or weeks away from home, so I watched a lot of cool pets, spent a ton of time playing Auntie Tab and having past-bedtime talks with my big sister, and did all kinds of valuable things while in my head, I thought I was just working myself into oblivion.
There were some tough things. Like, 13 months with boyfriend overseas? Not great. Sending a best friend off to her dream job across the country, knowing there would never be another time that we would all live in the same place? Exciting, but HARD. There were also some beautiful things. Helping my sister and the other best friend plan their weddings. Spending two weeks in Tacoma for school, where my life and intentions and heart was so affirmed. Getting picked up in Vegas and realizing that this is where I belong.
Also, some really uncharacteristically fun things. Bachelorette parties and like 6 concerts and other things I kind of wanted to say no to because I was tired. Here’s me on a vacation I never thought I could afford (and was very nearly right), getting told 30 minutes into a massage that I needed to relax. Here’s me fretting about my very first weenie-shaped beer bong full of Angry Orchard and Britt judging me as if she ain’t next. Here’s me booping my best friend in a penis veil after working all day and then driving to Vegas and crying because I was stuck in ALL the traffic and getting ready in 20 minutes when I really just wanted to feel cute. Life makes no sense. Sometimes you’re practically begging to have a bad time because you want to complain and you just can’t. I’m thinking that’s where the good happens.
And sometimes, some unknown thing sets off some other unknown thing in your life. The stress stomach aches and anticipation of what you feel coming. A few days off to clear your head and make you realize how badly you needed a few days off. Working off the clock from a hotel bed in Vegas. Going somewhere new and crazy and being accepted. An offer to make things better for yourself instead of just accepting things as they are and complaining incessantly.
I am proud of several things in the last few months after so long of living in an illusion. I identified the problems. I was honest about them. I did everything I could to fix them. Then, I moved on.
But you know what was the thing that got my butt in gear instead of just idling, waiting for a sign that I was ready and could do this?
I found a kitten I wanted and thought it got adopted, and when everything in the universe aligned for me to have her, there it was. My sign. Granted, the universe didn’t help me pack everything I own in a week and finish my second packet for school and book it to Palm Springs after work to get to her before the Humane Society stopped holding Catsby for me. You still gotta earn it a little, you know?
The point is that you’re never gonna have time to make a drastic life change. It’s not gonna be the clean break. Nothing was organized. I barely finished my schoolwork in time and have barely had time to work on it since. I didn’t get to see anybody that I wanted to see before I did it, but I did it. I moved to Vegas with the boy I’ve been crushing on since I was 16 and I am now a work-from-home cat mom. More than half of my stuff is still in boxes and I’m about to drive home for the third time (it’s only been 2 weeks), but I’m here and I love it and good things are coming.