On Changing my Entire Outlook on Life

(Or, trying to, anyway)

On the day after Christmas last year, my sister Brittany and I spent an afternoon in downtown Temecula fantasizing over the lives we wanted desperately to manifest for ourselves. It was one of those perfect days when I could feel the core memory forming as it happened. I remember thinking how rare it was for the two of us to be alone together with no responsibilities or tasks to accomplish. Instead, we wandered. Daydreamed. Tried to describe what it would feel like to change ourselves entirely.

These weren’t quite resolutions. It felt like my sisters and I had scraped through 2022 on our hands and knees. In 2023, we knew we wanted better. We just didn’t know what that meant. It was just that there was this vision we had of the women we wanted to be. We couldn’t quite make out the details, but we could guess her habits. We could describe her essence. So, we did what we always do–We made a list.

And then the year happened. 2023 was a year of sickness and loss in our circle (and for so many others). Of wars and political unrests. Of babies and weddings and funerals and friendship bracelets and Taylor’s Versions and The Barbie Movie and $240 million accounting errors and rejection and stagnancy and growth and Facetimes and The One Where They All Turn 30 and crocheting bucket hats and watching the sun come up from my desk and “the inexhaustible variety of life,” or whatever. I am exhausted just thinking about this year. I am exhilarated by it.

Our unofficial resolution was to change our entire outlook on life (a bit dramatic). Can I say I’m an entirely different person leaving this year than I was coming into it? Not really. Still, I carried this idea with me. I thought about that woman I’d imagined. The image of her got clearer the closer I got to being like her and fuzzier the further I strayed. We ended up in what we’ve decided is a “building year.” The difficulties of the year forced us to sort through our personalities like a pile of old clothes. This habit doesn’t fit who I’m growing into, we’d say. That coping mechanism is so last year. The hardest pile, of things that that are so close to fitting? That are so cute for somebody else? That we’re holding on to in hopes that we’ll get to wear them one day? We released them. We made tons and tons of room.

The times I felt further from the self I imagined showed me what isn’t serving me anymore. My need to control. My hurry. Gossip. Consumption. The work I bring home. The way I throw my time and energy at anyone who might need it. My constant, debilitating distraction.

Once I could identify these monsters, I noticed the way I feed them with thoughtless habits. It’s crazy how the tiniest shred of mindfulness can combat most problems. Maybe this minor inconvenience should not have the ability to derail my entire day! Who knew! Almost all of my useful changes had something to do with rejecting distraction and convenience for a life that feels real. Slow down, the world keeps saying. Listen. So I started to.

I also started noticing the reflection of this new being in others–some that I didn’t want to see. Who appreciates what I have to offer? Who supports me unconditionally? Who will call me out on my bullshit? But also, who talks over me in a conversation, or interrupts me and doesn’t care to circle back to let me share? Who reaches out to me just because? Who wants something for me as much as they want something from me? In these ways, I started to value myself and my time for maybe the first time ever. When you’re willing to call yourself out for not being the person you’re capable of, you stop making excuses for everyone else. It’s like, I can empathize with your journey! But you will not be dragging me down with you, thank you very much.

We also spent a lot of time actually trying to answer the questions of why we are the way that we are, rather than just being like “Oops why are we like this lol oh well!” It’s amazing what that extra second to think that was very youngest child of me, let’s unpack that can do to the part of your brain where your self-loathing lives. With other people, we tend to understand that we can judge or we can empathize. We can speculate what we think the motives or causes of an action are, and we remain convinced that we are right. I think this year, I started working harder to empathize with… myself? Is that a thing? It feels like a thing.

That night last year in Temecula, my sister told me she and her husband were going to try for a baby. I remember thinking, we will never be alone together again. It just cemented my suspicion that the day was magical, and there would never be another one like it. This year’s Temecula trip had one more tiny guest, and I was right but also wrong–The magic is only just beginning. Watching my sister become a mother, I got to watch her accept that there is a being that needs her more than anything else. She has to prioritize and protect herself in new ways for him. It is a priveledge to be able to watch someone so like myself become something entirely new.

All this to say, I’m working on myself. Sitting in Temecula with Brittany and baby Wylder this Christmas, we talked about what felt good this year and what we wanted to continue nurturing in 2024. Revisiting those vague goals we set for ourselves, we could see that those women in our minds have started to take shape. She looks familiar–a little like me! But also somehow new. The me I’d imagined when I wanted to grow up. Our goals this year are a little less abstract, a little more actionable. Maybe because of that, it’s easier to remain optimistic and motivated and excited to pursue them. It feels so good to look back on the year and be able to point to changes, however small. I am a child and this macaroni art project is my life. But I’m also the adult hanging it on the fridge so that everyone knows I’m so, so proud of it.

Here are some other things I’m proud of this year:

• I made it to thirty whole years old!
• I went to two adult ballet classes after ten years of saying I would
• I made friends with my colleagues
• I started to cook more and bake from scratch and I’m amazed at how good that has been for my mental health
• I started crafting a lot again and it’s really helped me with the work-life balance
• I joined the 5 AM writers club
• I finished my gosh dang book and started sending it out for submission?! Maybe this should have come first lol
• I have accidentally started unironically singing Snoop Dogg’s “Affirmation Song” when I’m overwhelmed. There is no one better to be than myself! Today’s gonna be an amazing day.

xx, Tab